The Single Life: A Challenge to Overcome or a Blessing to Receive?

Is there something wrong with being single? Should Christians rush into marriage?

In many churches, the message from elders, pastors, and even (for singles) our friends and family suggest that if you are single, it’s a status that needs to change. I have heard this question, to myself as well as to others: “Why aren’t you married yet? Pastors like Pastor John Hagee have exhorted their congregation bluntly: "Get Married!" He even suggested that individuals in the Bible who remained unmarried did so because they were prepared for martyrdom. Even Pastor Joseph Prince of New Creation Church has shared that the married life is better.

Even mainstream conservative pundits like Dennis Prager emphasize marriage, describing the institution as a necessary and proper rite of passage, or the best way for men to maximize their manhood, income, and social status.

True, married people live longer, make more money, etc. However, these are spurious correlations. Marriage does not automatically produce these results. This “marriage makes you better” argument is a "post hoc, propter hoc" fallacy. A work ethic, a sense of responsibility, a diligent outlook for the good of others besides oneself define manhood, or more importantly adulthood.

Employers hire married people because they display more consistency and integrity in their work, perhaps. Men (and women) can have different reasons for earning more money besides the rearing of children. Responsible people are more likely to get married, as opposed to marriage makes people more responsible. Some people like business, like working; other people are dedicated to other causes which require more funding. These benefits are not exclusive to marriage!

“But even the Bible calls marriage a blessing—Won’t I miss out?”

The Bible does consider married life blessed:

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing,

And obtains favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22)

And also:

"Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward." (Psalm 127:3)

Does that mean if I don’t get married, I won’t find a good thing or obtain favor?

Not at all! Proverbs identifies other ways in which people obtain favor:

"Blessed is the man that heareth me [Wisdom, a type of Christ appearing in the Old Testament], watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my doors.

"For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favour of the LORD." (Proverbs 8: 34-35)

Favor and reward have everything to do with God, not with marriage. The first mention of "reward" appears in Genesis:

"After these things the word of the LORD came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward." (Genesis 15:1)

Indeed, children are a heritage from the Lord, but all of us can receive all blessings through our spiritual inheritance in Christ Jesus:

 "In righteousness, you shall be established … this is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of Me" (Isaiah 54: 14,17)

This pronouncement should settle the matter:

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ”

We obtain favor, life, all other good things because of Jesus!

Finally, what does the Bible say to singles and about the single life? Is there something wrong with not being married?

In Genesis, God commanded Adam and Eve, then Noah and his family to "be fruitful and multiply.”

This exhortation occurs under the Old Covenant. Today, we live under the New Covenant.

Let’s consider what the New Testament shares on the matter of marriage or the single life.

In Matthew 19:10-12, Jesus relates that there are those who choose not to marry for the Kingdom of Heaven’s sake. Many believers who have received the Kingdom of Heaven (righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost Romans 14:17) are content and see no need to marry (and there is no need to castrate oneself, so take it easy!)

The Apostle Paul’s statements to the Corinthian Church this matter are the most informative:

“It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”

How about that? Yet “good” in the King James Version is not adequate. The Original Greek has kalos, which means “noble, beautiful, inspiring!” 

Paul also writes:

For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that." (1 Corinthians 7:7)

Paul preferred the single life. But it was his preference, not God's commande. Thee statement “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” – that is from God!

What are the benefits of single status, according to Paul?

"But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife." (1 Corinthians 7:32-33)

Married people will have more burdens, more concerns to consider in their lives. Many people need to recognize this when going into marriage. No matter what standards the world has laid out (or rather, abandoned), marriage is a full-on commitment for life. Those demands will change a person’s status, outlook, and outcomes for good.

“And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction." (1 Corinthians 7:35)

In fact, Paul considered the single life better!

“He that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)

Our standard on the single life must be God’s Word, not preachers’ sermons or pundits’ articles. So, why is it that so many pastors, preachers, churches, and teachers are promoting the message to their congregations that singles should get married?

Stay tuned for the next article.

Prager Career Woman Regrets Life Choices: A Reflection

I read this article from Dennis Prager last month (and pretty soon, last year).

This career woman at age 50 was bemoaning her life choices, and her statement fits in with Dennis Prager's long-standing view that people need to get married, and they need to get married young.

He is affirmative on the argument that young people, especially young woman, are in big trouble, looking forward to an empty life if they do not get married.

Here are Prager's thoughts, mostly the words of the "career woman", and my thoughts interspersed within.

A Message to Young Women From a Career Woman

Every Wednesday, the second hour of my national radio show is the “Male/Female Hour.” A few weeks ago, a woman named Jennifer called in. For reasons of space, I have somewhat shortened her comments. Every young woman should read them. This is precisely what she said:

Everyone woman must read this! NOW! (Really?!)

“Dennis, I want to get right to it. I’m 50 years old with four college degrees. I was raised by a feminist mother with no father in the home. My mother told me get an education to the maximum level so that you can get out in the world, make a lot of money. And that’s the path I followed. I make adequate money. I don’t make a ton of money. But I do make enough to support my own household.

The truth is that anyone who pursues wealth and career status as a set of life-defining goals, whether you are male or female, will run into a lot of hurt and heart-ache. Money many answer all things, but it does not give or substantiate life.

“I want to tell women in their 20s: Do not follow the path that I followed. You are leading yourself to a life of loneliness. All of your friends will be getting married and having children, and you’re working to compete in the world, and what you’re doing is competing with men. Men don’t like competitors. Men want a partner. It took me until my late 40s to realize this.

This issue of "loneliness" comes us a great deal, especially among women. But what defines, or rather causes loneliness?

It's a factor of feeling that you are not "Cared for". Frankly, no one person can meet that need. It takes the gift, the goodness, the grace of God to be set free from the nagging lie that you are not cared for.

“And by the time you have your own household with all your own bills, you can’t get off that track, because now you’ve got to make the money to pay your bills. It’s hard to find a partner in your late 40s to date because you also start losing self-confidence about your looks, your body. It’s not the same as it was in your 20s. You try to do what you can to make your life fulfilling. I have cats and dogs. But it’s lonely when you see your friends having children, going on vacations, planning the lives of their children, and you don’t do anything at night but come home to your cats and dogs. I don’t want other women to do what I have done.”

"Losing self-confidence about one's looks ..." Hmm. A woman has more value than based on her looks.

Proverbs:

"Favour [charm] is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

Yes, beauty matters, but a wise man is not looking to marry a woman just because she is beautiful. Furthermore, there are more stories which I have read in which elderly men and women do get married. I met one such couple last week!

I asked, “Was it hard for you to make this call?”

She responded: “It was. I want to be anonymous because I don’t want people that I know to really know my true feelings. Because you do act like ‘My career is everything. I love working.’ But it’s a lie on the inside for me. It’s unfortunate. I didn’t realize this until it’s too late. I don’t know if it’s too late. I would like to find somebody to go on vacation with.

"It's a lie on the inside for me," this woman states. For other women, their calling may include not having children because the calling, the career of their choosing has taken them on different paths.

I submit that the problem here is the feminism which was ingrained into her, which she never questioned. It sounds to me that she was convinced that men were part of the problem in her life, and that marrying a man would have created problems for her down the line.

It's not wise to avoid marriage because of such considerations. What someone else tells you about an experience or status cannot be the final determination on the matter. It simply cannot. For women, this bad advice has an even more adverse effect, since a woman's options do not narrow considerably by a certain time in one's life. It is very rare for women to have children after 40 years of age, for example.

“You have other concerns when you get older and you live alone. Who’s going to take you to your medical appointments? If something should happen to you, there’s no other income there to help you. These are things you don’t understand when you’re in your 20s because you don’t think you’ll ever get old and have health problems.

This woman is full of cares. A husband alone cannot take care of those cares. She has it all wrong. Sadly, it sounds like this woman went from one extreme of "I don't want to get married", to "I need a man, but now I cannot get a man because X, Y, Z, etc.")

“I’m stuck now because I go to work every day. I smile like I love it, but it’s very painful to not plan a vacation with someone. It’s painful to not have a Thanksgiving dinner with someone. You sit home alone and you do nothing. I avoid my friends now that have children because I have nothing in common with them.

Now we have the deeper diagnosis. She is jealous. She is playing the comparison game. Dennis Prager has a video for that:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MPG-aLD-EY

“Somebody asked me the other day, ‘Why did you stay single and never have kids?’ There’s answers: Because I was brainwashed by my mother into this. But it’s hard and it’s shameful to tell people, ‘I don’t know. I ran out of time.’

Now here's the point. The issue is that this woman went along with someone else's idea of what life is best. She didn't make the decisions for herself. The solution is not for her to get married. The issue is not about

“There’s not a good answer for it except ‘I was programmed to get into the workforce, compete with men and make money.’ Supposedly, that would be a fulfilling life. But I was told that by a feminist mother who was divorced, who hated her husband — my father.

Wow. More issues come to the forefront. A troubled home, no father, a broken family. Such pain that causes. She would like all of that restored or replaced, most likely. Being married would not fix that hurt, however.

Marriage is supposed to enhance your life, not complete it. I learned that from a Divorce Court Judge ... in fact THE Divorce Court Judge Mablean Ephraim:

“She tried to steer me on what she thought was the right path, but feminism is a lie. That’s what I want women to know.

There. That is the real issue. The ideology of radical feminism is the biggest issue for this lady. She missed out on having children, but she should not feel as though the rest of her life is lost becaus she did not marry or have children.

“I didn’t realize this until late in life. I want to tell women: Find someone in your 20s. That’s when you’re still very cute. That’s when you’re still amiable to working out problems with someone. It’s harder in your 50s, when you’ve lived alone, to compromise with someone, to have someone in your home and every little thing about them annoys you because you’re so used to being alone. It’s hard to undo that, so don’t do what I did. Find someone in your 20s.”

She has too many globalized ideas. "I will never find someone now that I am older" seems to be the gist of her comments. How does she know that? God opens doors and closes doors. It's not like all her best options are gone just because she may not be able to bear children.

Consider Sarah:

"And the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken." (Genesis 21:1)

From this blessed example, Isaiah prophesies great blessing and honor even for the most barren among us:

"1Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the LORD.

2Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes;" (Isaiah 54:1-2)

And why?

"For more are the children of the desolate than the married woman, says the Lord."

God is in the business of blessing us, restoring us even in the midst of our worst times.

Final Reflection

Dennis Prager's musing often are quite insightful and beneficial. I have learned a great deal from his Prager U videos.

When it comes to marriage and life, however, he misses the mark. 

And there was more to plumb in this Career Woman's life than originally revealed.

If a woman makes a choice to remain single based on affirmative goals and personal experience,  there is nothing wrong with that. The issue ultimately is not that she rejected getting married at 20 or older, but that she is looking at her happiness outside of herself.

Marriage does not answer every need. On their surfaces, single life or married life presents blessings and challenges. The true blessing, the real challenge comes into play for which choices people make based on their individual lives, learnings, and leanings.

Let's hope that more people, men and women, make better choices for themselves based on a plenary review of many ideas, not just following a set of dogmas coming from one's parents.

By the way, here's an article from another 50-something career woman who chose not to have children and does not regret it!