The Silent (Plastic) Majority Speaks Out Against Plastic Bag Ban

To the City Leaders of Los Angeles:

My name is Carry, and I am a plastic bag. I am writing this piece on behalf of all my polyurethane brothers and sisters who fear for their future.

In my many years as a makeshift toilet for pets on their daily walks, a cheap trashcan for college dorm rooms and the front seats of cars, and even as a quick and ready lunch sack for workers in a rush, I have brought peace and convenience to many Southern California residents. I and my millions of twin brothers and sisters have provided an ample and praiseworthy service to the people of Los Angeles, too.

Apparently, notorious hatemongering groups have disseminated salacious untruths about me and my plastic bag brethren. Implicating us in the polluting of the streets and desecration of the oceans, environmental activists have unjustly discriminated against us, when the city and the state should be arresting those who abandon us on beaches, in gutters, and along state highways. I cannot think of a more glaring example of “blaming the victim” than the LA City Council’s move to ban me and my kind from their city limits.

I am dismay, disappointed, and outright alarmed to read that the City of Los Angeles has decided to expel us from the environs of the City of Angels, granting us but one year to prepare for this rough and rude evacuation forced upon us. We have been cast out from Great Britain. We have come to the “Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave”, only to find that we are not wanted here, either. We have been cast out of wealth coastal communities and the poorest of county regions. Where do you expect us to go, now? We have rights to, you know. We have many in this country who champion us, who put us to use when throwing out roots, rubbish, and coffee grounds. Therefore, we refuse to be become refuse and we seek refuge from the nanny-state liberalism of Los Angeles, in which city leaders insist on demonizing one segment of the population instead of discharging the immense public debt, saving city employees, and reforming pension obligations which threaten the long-term solvency of the city and the state.

By this crude, overreaching and senseless act of discrimination, the LA City Council is forcing plastic bags of all shapes and sizes to endure one of the most unbearable shocks to their self-esteem and identity. By eliminating us from the City of Angeles, they will be endangering future consumers, who will have to resort to reusable sacks, which get dirty and carry disease, as well as force a greater financial burden on struggling families who will have to pay a fee to use our thicker cousins, the paper bags – and they fear that they will be next for city-wide expulsion.

This bag ban is a bad idea. We Plastic Bags are the number one recycled item for many homeowners, the majority of which end up using us again and again.  We have been silent long enough, we will not take in this trashing of our reputation quietly, and we WILL BE HEARD!

--Redacted and Submitted by Arthur Christopher Schaper