A Tale of Two Students -- Identity, Self-Respect, and Forgiveness

Many people underestimate the difficulties that full-time faculty face; but the fate and hardships of the long-term substitute remains a terrifying yet still unknown foray into public education. Like full-time teachers, long-term substitutes take on five sections of students, yet they must command respect in a shorter length of time. Most students operated under a default mindset, which reads something like, "I don't have to listen to you. You're just a sub."

 Earlier this year, I ran into some of the students whom I had taught in long-term assignments in Centinela Valley Union High School District.l When one of the students began joking about the abusive and disruptive behavior that I had permitted, I cut him off right away: "You will not talk to me like that! You treated me poorly in the past, and you have no right to bring up my shame. It was wrong what you did."

 I had received the grace to forgive myself and them, but I was not about to let one person prevent me from moving on.

That young man had enough dignity to cover his mouth in shame. He then quietly asked me, "Do you want me to leave?"

I answered, "Do you need to?" He stayed in the classroom, quiet and respectful for the rest of the period, and neither of us had a problem since then.

Right then I demonstrated a powerful principle in assertiveness and self-respect: Respect is NOT something you earn, nor demand -- it is something that you command, that you demonstrate, that you draw out of yourself, regardless of how people treat you.

Now, I can look the world in the eye, not afraid to go with my internal flow, to speak (not scream) my point of view.

Then there was another student, the daily challenge of another young man, one who resisted any instruction for a long time. He was so taxing, I almost despaired of ever entering a classroom again afterward. Having turned up enough teachers to get moved from class to class, there I was covering another history class, except this teacher had gone on stress leave, leaving with an already turned up class of students. One class threw things out the window; in another class, this one student refused to listen, argued with me at length, or acted up so much, it seemed that nothing I did would ever work.

I must admit, being a long-term substitute can make one very timid and insecure. I was always left wondering, would the administration tell me to go home? I was so jittery about not having another job, that I just went with the flow as long as I could. I tried to be a good teacher, really I did, but it was all to no avail.

I was so insecure in those days. I had to prove myself every day. But if you have to prove yourself to yourself, then no one else is going to take you seriously, either.

I live by my feelings. I tried to work up an enthusiasm to walk into the classroom every day, but we all run out of steam soon. If we live contrary to who we are, if we are trying to be something that we are not, or worse, we live in chronic doubt as to who we are, then we are sunk.

This is the condemnation I labored under for so long. I am a child of God, but I thought that God was made at me. And when you have a harsh view of your Father, you start to treat everyone else the same way. That one kid at Lawndale did not stand a chance.

I ran into that same kid a few months later. Some students around the district had apparently heard about the difficulties which I had had with him. "Are you scared?" One student snidely asked me. I really did not know what to do, at first. I had lived in reaction to everything for so long, fearful that I would do or say something that I regretted. But that day, I walked up to the student whom I had struggled with for so long, shook his hand, and said to him, right in his eyes:

"I forgive you." At first, he would not look at me. I don't know if he was afraid that I would do something to him.

Whatever it was, all went well after that. The next day, the same student walked up to me and shook my hand! I have never witnessed so grand a reversal in my life! For so long, if I alienated students, I would try to do better, try to get on their good side, or just blast them altogether. When I learned that I was not in bondage to my feelings, that I was not defined by how I felt, or even what I did, I could be myself. I am a forgiven person, and forgiven people can forgive others, for no one can really make you mad or scared, just thinking makes it so.