Yet the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that there was a lingering issue beneath fear: reproach.
Other words for "reproach" include shame, condemnation, humiliation.
The one thing that people want is "acceptance". Man's greatest fear, in contrast, is rejection. No one likes to be left out, no one likes to be told that they are unwanted.
We want to know that we are accepted in some way, shape, or form.
A substitute teacher, then, faces two great challenges. First, he has to make sense of a classroom which does not belong to him. Next, he has to size up and command respect from a group of students, many of whom are experts at making substitute teachers feel really small.
I made the mistake that most human beings make in this world: I sought out acceptance, I wanted to earn the students' respect. Such a design is doomed to fail, without a doubt.
Slowly but surely, everything began to work out for me for the best. I started to stand my ground much more, not afraid to stand up to an administrator if the students got out of hand. After many days of trial and error, I learned that it was better to be too tough, to throw an extra student out than to let a handful of students make life difficult for everyone else in the classroom.
And by no means would I put up with reproach, or the disrepect, of other students.
The one challenge, the two questions that I would ask myself, were both wrapped up in the greatest concern: reproach. The following two questions would eat away
at me when walking into a classroom – sometimes:
1. Who was going to mess with me?2. Was the administration going to back me up?
I learned over time that not having to plan and prepare from day to day made all the difference for me. Still, whether the administration would back me up or not would sometimes hinder me, hold me back from doing exactly what I needed to do. No more doubting, no more wondering.
Those two questions are founded on the one issue: "reproach". I did not want to lose face in front of the students, and I did not want to lose face with the principal and the office staff. Talk about a trying bind.
Some teachers, though, were very supportive, even if the principal did not always back me up. If a handful of students recognized the good that I was doing, I was happy with the whole arrangement.
I learned to let go of reproach as I became more aware of righteousness. Righteousness is a gift, one which had always been offered to me, yet I had not learned to receive by faith. Someone paid for me to take it, and to keep taking it. Finally, I learned to stop feeling bad about wanting to stand up and say "I'm OK".
No one could mess with me at that point, since I was already OK from the moment that I walked in the room. Whether administration backed me up or not, I knew to follow my peace on the inside, and whether everything worked out for the best or not, I knew that all things would work together for my good.
When you reject reproach and receive righteousness, no one can mess you, and you need not look behind to see if anyone is backing you up or not.
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