"You're Just so D----n Chipper!"

When I was not stressed out the max, I found myself to be really laid back, letting nothing prevent me from having as much fun as I could.

I did have a lot of fun at the charter school where I worked. I would be wild and crazy as needed, I would let caution be thrown to the wind, and I had no problem telling people what I was thinking.

I loved to plan tours and trips of the area. There was so much history to see, and I did not want to miss out on any of it. The students liked my class because we go to go to lots of great places.

The counselor was not thrilled, though. She was worried about the core requirements that the students needed to achieve in order to be prepared for the standardized tests in May. I could not care less, in large part because I was teaching an elective, something that the students would not be tested on beyond the two or three sections that I would give to them.

I planned trips and tours all over the region. At the time, I never thought that I had to run what I was going by other staff members. I just assumed that everything would work out for the best.

One day, though, I was in the faculty lounge, telling some of the teachers what I was prepared to do. One of the teachers, Ms. C., got really worked up about it.

"Oh No!" she exclaimed. "I just planned a trip for my students on the same day."

Ms. C. took up the phone to cancel the trip that she was going to take her students on. "It's no big deal", she told me. "I just have to eat the ten dollar fee."

I was one of those merry types, could not keep myself in check, so nervous was I. Never once did I think about how pathologically out of control I was on the inside. I was a nervous wreck on the inside, always watching over myself to make sure that I did not say or do something wrong. I was so turned up on the inside,  so worn out from day to day just trying to get through the day. Sometimes, I could not work up the energy to get through the weekend, so turned up was I about life, so afraid was I not to pay attention to what I was doing.

I was nervous on the inside, flighty on the outside, doing all that I could to keep up with my anxieties, bottling up all that upset. I acted like I was full of enthusiasm, when in truth I was using the ecstasy to keep me from feeling the penetrating fear that was keeping me in bondage.

This flightiness really wore on the staff, I am sure. The lady who had to cancel her trip for her classes let me know exactly how she felt while washing  the dishes at the faculty lounge sink:

"You're just so d--n chipper, aren't you?!"

Later that day, I ran into the Executive Director, who told me that he had chartered a bus for the next trip that I had planned. This school had become notoriously abused by the city charter bus company, in which the local city hall promised that they would send buses for my kids to ride. Twice they had failed to do that. It was frustrating, embarrassing, and disappointing. I threatened to quit the first time that the buses did not show up, so insecure was I that I had somehow chosen the wrong job for me, after all.

The executive director did the best that he could to make the most of the bureaucratic wrangling that prevented the school from being the best that it could be.

"Alright, I have two buses chartered for tomorrow."

But Ms. C. was fit to be tied: "We have got to get these buses and tours figured out. This whole thing is just getting out of hand. I had planned a trip for the next week, but since he and I cannot plant trips at the same time, he can have the buses!" She gesticulated at me without even looking at me.

I did not lose my cool or break up in front of them over it, at least right then and there.

Wow, I had no idea that I had so set her off. At the time, I brushed it off, then went back to class. Later than evening, I went out and purchased a plant for her. Then she stormed into my class the next morning:

"Arthur, I need you to tell me what trips you are going to be taking over the next few weeks."

I told her that I would set up a list for her to look over. Then I gave her the plant.

"I feel your pain. I am so sorry." She laughed, surprised that I had bought her something.

"Oh, well, it was my fault". After I reassured her that I would set up a list for her to look over, she left the room.

I was having such a hard time in those days, always looking over my shoulder, fearful of making a mistake, taking other people's offense as a sign that I had screwed up, that I had failed in some way. Looking back on the incident, I realize that many of the staff working in that school were out of control in certain ways. They were pulled in many directions, making plans of their own without checking in with others. I was not at fault, certainly, to the degree that the other teacher never bothered to tell me what her schedule was.

I used to take everything personally, or I would refuse to take any responsibility.

I was so lost in those days, not sure who I was, whose I was. Now I have a better idea of what's going on in this life. I have been made the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus!